How to Redirect Hurtful Behavior

When your child does something hurtful, use Self-Quieting and ACT. 

For example, say your children are crying and you aren’t sure what happened, or maybe you do. First, don’t assume one child is to blame. 

Instead, you might say: “It looks like something happened here. Your sister is crying and you look really angry.  Go in your rooms, calm down, and when you are calm, I will come in and find out what happened.”
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Separately Use ACT

​A - Acknowledge Feelings
 
“I hate my sister!”

“You are really angry with your sister.” (Respond to feelings not words.)
 
“Yes, she’s always messing with me! “
 
“She can really make you mad, huh? I can see how you might feel that way. What else are you feeling?”
 
“I just wish she wasn’t so mean. She is always trying to get me mad so I hit her then she fake cries and goes and tells on me. Then I get in trouble. “
 
“I can see why you are so upset and the hitting thing really isn’t working. Is it?
 
C - Communicate limit
 
Communicate limitations of their behavior.
 
“Hitting is not safe.  What else can you do?”
 
T- Target
 
Target what they can do with anger instead of the limitation.
 
“You can use your words. You can say, I am angry! Get out of my room. But you cannot hit. Hitting is ABUSE and it is not safe. Would it be ok if I hit you when I get upset? No, that would be child abuse and scary. It is not ok to hit your sister. Hitting doesn’t solve problems. It sounds like it makes more problems if you keep getting into trouble. Relax for a while and I will talk with your sister.”
 
Go to the other child and repeat.

Opportunity To Teach Problem Solving Skills and Communication 

After speaking with each child and when they come out of their self-quieting area, post these three questions in your house so they know how to solve problems on their own next time. One at a time, teach the sender to answer the question and the receiver repeats what they heard and checks to make sure the understand the sender. 
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​1.HOW DO YOU FEEL?
 
RECEIVER -“How do you feel Casey?”
 
SENDER - Casey responds, “I don’t like it when you come into my room and mess with my stuff. You annoy me and make me angry.
 
RECEIVER: Kelly (listens and repeats what she heard without adding anything else to it or leaving anything out)

1. She repeats back. You don’t like it when I come into your room and mess with your stuff and I annoy you.
2. Checks for Understanding, “Do I understand you?

 
SENDER - Casey replies yes.
 
SWITCH
 
RECIEVER - Casey asks Kelly, “How do you feel?”
 
SENDER - Kelly responds, “I don’t like it when you hit me. Hitting Hurts.”
 
RECEIVER - Casey responds, “You don’t like it when I hit you, because it hurts.”   Is that it?
 
SENDER: Kelly responds, “Yes
 
 
2.WHAT DO YOU WANT?
 
RECEIVER: Casey asks, “What do you want Kelly?’
 
SENDER:- Kelly says, I want you to use your words and stop hitting me
RECEIVER: You want me to use my words and stop hitting you.
 
SENDER: Kelly responds, yes.
 
 
3.WHAT WILL YOU DO?
 
RECEIVER: Casey what will you do?
 
SENDER: - Casey responds, I will tell you to get out of my room. If you don’t I will get mom instead of hitting. (Parent steps in with a consequence if Casey hits)
 
RECEIVER: - You will tell me to get out of your room and if I don’t you will get mom and she will have us hang out in our rooms for awhile. Do I understand you?
 
SENDER: -YES
 
SWITCH
 
RECEIVER Casey asks Kelly, What will you do?
 
SENDER: -Kelly responds, I will stop messing with your stuff and leave your room.
 
RECEIVER: - Casey repeats, “You will stop messing with my stuff and leave my room.  Do I understand you?
 
SENDER: Yes, Let’s go play.

​THE KEY IS TO PUT THE CHILDREN IN THE SAME BOAT
Do this once or twice, and the next time it gets out of control, stop the fighting and say do you want to go to your rooms and chill out or can the two of you work this out? Watch how fast they work it out to avoid the three questions! Encourage them for working it out and fire yourself from being the judge the juror or the referee.
 
These tools will help them to build healthy relationships throughout their whole life.

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