One way to help your child thrive through divorce is to keep your conversations about the other parent positive
 
What if the other parent has problems and safety is an issue?
 
Talk about the actions of the other parent. Anger management, addiction, and mental health issues. The other parent can love their children and need help. It is never the child’s fault and they need to have a plan. Your child’s job is to keep them safe and your job is to help keep them stay that way.  If your child’s safety is an issue due to Excessive drinking, violence, mental health issues, seek help. Tell your child these behaviors are not ok. There is no excuse for abuse. During these trying times sometimes things get out of hand and your children needs to discuss ways they can handle the situation. What is the plan if they ever feel afraid?  Have a list of neighbors to call. Have an emergency plan; create a bag with hidden money and numbers of people to call. Teach them how to call the police. Let them know it is ok to get help.
 
Only have talks with your children about things they can control like; school, friends, hobbies, feelings. If they are angry it is ok it is just as normal for kids to be angry as it is for parents to feel angry. Kids who are not showing emotions are often trying to help the parents by hiding them. Let them know it is ok and that anger is a stage of loss. It is what happens when basic human needs to feel loved, valued and powerful are not being met. Let them know that anger is just part of the reaction. Teach them how to take care of themselves by making a list of things to do that make them feel better so they do better. They need to know that the anger will pass and things will get better. It helps if they can see this change happening with their parents. It gives them hope and models how to recover from loss.
 
Ask yourself is the way I am talking with the other parent helpful or hurtful? If hurtful say, “The way you are talking to me is hurtful I don't want to fight I want to work on solutions. Repeat until it sinks in or say I have to go now and I will call you later when we are both calm.
 
If you are not able to speak to one another respectfully, use Our Family Wizard. It is an email program where you can communicate about schedules, changes and manage child support. The program is a way for the courts to monitor effective communication. Knowing this is a court record sometimes helps parents be civil.

Instead of pumping the child for information about the other parent commit to speaking directly or let it go. Sending messages through your children puts the burden on how they land on your child. Agree to talk directly and equip your child with a friendly signal to remind you in case you forget. “This sounds like A.P. Adult Problem”
 
Solving problems like custody issues, money issues, visitation need to be done as a business not to hurt the other parent or harm the child’s relationship with the other parent
 
Remember to always ask, “Is what I am thinking or doing helpful or hurtful?
 
Take A Child’s Life Depends on Peaceful Resolutions
To get the support you need for making these changes so
 your family thrives through divorce.
 
  $39.95 Small investment with great returns!!  Your children will thank you someday!
 
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Happy New Year
 
Resolution number replace over parenting with living a life you love to live.

1. By bringing out the best in yourself you will bring out best in others. Love is an inside job. Take responsibility for putting self care at the top of your list.

• Me
  
• Relationship
• Children
• Work
• What order is your life in now? Most parents share something like this.
• Kids
• Work
• Relationship
• Me
  

This is the recipe for disaster, divorce, ungrateful kids and a life of struggle. If you believe that taking care of yourself first is selfish, think again. Taking care of yourself is being 100% responsible for creating a life you love. When we live at the bottom it’s easy to blame others, feel resentful, over react and we often we end up hurting the ones we love.
Instead make a "happy" list and do four things each week that makes you feel loved, valued, powerful and connected. When you feel better you do better.
 
2. Be the change you want to see in others. Teach powerful listening skills.

How many of you want kids who listen better? Commit to one "check and connect" moment per day/per child and listen without judging, fixing or controlling. Be present, make eye contact, sit down and unhook from phones and computers.

Conversation starter. Play the "High Low" game by sharing the high of the day and the low point.  This is a game you can add to your bedtime routine. It’s a time to connect. Nothing to do or fix. If everyone in the family is responsible for taking care of themselves, first have a weekly family meeting and share what four things you will do and watch what happens when you focus on the positive. Where focus goes it grows.

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Nationally recognized parenting expert Sue Dockerill is the Founder of Life Works Parenting Tools and the author A Child’s Life Depends of Peaceful Resolutions. Looking for a better way” and a Certified Redirecting Children’s Behavior Instructor, Sue is a leader in positive parenting techniques for healthy, happy families. Sue is inspiring others to think outside the box. In her most important role, she is the wife, and co-creator of an amazing blended family with their stepson and two children.

What do you want?

• Have the listener repeat what they heard before sharing what they want.  Then have the other child recreate before going on to the next question.

How do you feel?
What will you do?

Michael Mastracci is an attorney on a mission  -- one he shares with the entire child-centered divorce community. He talks about - and is soon to be the author of a new book about - "Divorce Without Dishonor", a difficult and acrimonious divorce and child custody battle led to my interest in collaborative family law, notes Mastracci. His soon to be released book focuses on child custody issues and divorce using collaborative law.

Mike is quite personable and a good listener. Along with those traits he has a sincere interest in helping parents to resolve their divorce and child custody issues "in a fair and even-handed manner that will cause the least amount of damage" to their children. "I have personally seen the strife that divorce causes in families," says Mike, "and want to express my concern and compassion for your personal situation."
"Collaborative law does not mean giving away rights or just rolling over to a stronger willed soon-to-be ex-spouse," he adds. "It means working through the issues as adults with one focus -- helping the kids get through the mess caused by divorce."

Fortunately, there are collaborative divorce attorneys like Mike located all over the United States and in many other countries around the world. Seek them out. Read their websites and blogs. (Mike's is www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) Get to know their philosophy about supporting families and putting children's needs first when making custody and other related divorce decisions. Your children will thank you years from now when they have the awareness to understand how you bent over backwards to diffuse negative energy and create collaborative harmony in your post-divorce family relationships.

One of the most rewarding experiences in my life came when my son, as a young adult in his late teens or early twenties, mentioned the separation that took place when he was eleven (followed later by divorce). He said although he was very upset at the time, looking back he can now see that Dad and I were not very compatible and didn't really belong together. He mentioned that he was happy that both of us have since remarried much more happily. And he thanked me for working hard to maintain a positive relationship with his father over the years so that we were both there for special celebrations, important events and other significant times in his life.

In fact, he wrote the Introduction to my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! The book is based on my own personal experience more than a decade ago when I came up with the concept of creating a personal family storybook, in advance of the dreaded divorce talk. Through this approach the children have something to read over again and again reminding them of the crucial messages they need to repeatedly hear and accept. 
​
I am so grateful that divorce attorneys like Mike Mastracci are available to share their legal expertise, along with their compassion, about child-centered issues to assist parents facing divorce or separation in creating the most positive outcome for everyone in the family.

1. Write a list of all the things that you know your partner loves about you and
wants from you. Write everything down that pops into your mind.

2. Go over each item on your list and ask yourself, “ Do I do that for my partner?”
Why or why not?

3. Interview your partner and ask them to be straight with you about what would
make you the best partner ever. Make a list without judging, correcting, defending,
or taking it personal. Interview them as if you were a reporter writing an article on
the ideal partner. Get every detail continue to say what else and be curious, "Tell me
more about that, what else do you need, desire, and crave?." Just keep writing don’t repeat
anything just get it all down on paper. Pretend they are someone you don’t know so
you don’t react. You want to create a safe place.

4. Next to each item be truthful whether you provide this for your partner or not.
Then next to your answer write down in a few words why you either do or do not.

5. Now make a list of everything you adore about your partner. Their smile, if they
like nature, animals, humor. One way to add intimacy to your relationship is to be
really interested in what your partner is interested in. Shift from loving your partner
the way you think they should be loved to how they desire love. This is key to being
the best partner ever!

6. Notice if there is any difference in what you thought your partners wanted to
what your partner needed. In order to feel loved, valued powerful and connected.

7. Make a lifetime commitment to making your partner extraordinary no matter
what! Be the gift of being the best partner EVER!! Love is a verb.