Why are temper tantrums so difficult for parents to handle? Besides the fact that they’re loud, annoying, and embarrassing, we often feel it’s our job requirement to make our kids act the way we feel they should behave. If we can’t do that, we feel ineffective. We also don’t like the judgments we imagine others making of us when our kids are out of control. We don’t know what to do but feel we must do something—after all, we are the parents.

And, of course, on a deep level, we want our kids to learn how to calm down and act “normally.” When they’re not able to do that because they haven’t yet figured out how to manage their frustrations, it can sometimes cause us to have tantrums, which only adds more fuel to the fire. And when we feel a sense of helplessness, we often react by getting angry or giving in—and then we feel controlled by our kids’ behavior. However, attempting to manage our anxiety by trying to control their responses never works. I think it’s better to focus on dealing with our feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, and frustration when our kids are having a meltdown.

Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that is the best way you can quiet any upset or tantrum.

Sometimes, parents ask me if there are ways to stop a child’s temper tantrums from happening. I don’t think there are—I think having tantrums is natural. We adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic, or our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. We can’t prevent tantrums, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by how we respond to our children’s outbursts.

I think when our children feel that we need them to behave “our way” for us to feel calm, it’s a natural reaction for them to become defensive. You’ll see an attitude of, “Oh yeah? Nobody can tell me what to do.” Ultimately, they will shout louder and create more of a scene.

We feel uneasy when we see our kids struggle or be upset or uncomfortable, which compounds the situation. As a result, we try to manage the anxiety that this provokes in us. When we yell or give in, we relieve our distress rather than helping our children develop self-control.

When Your Child Has a Tantrum in Public

When your child has a temper tantrum in front of others, we feel an extra element of embarrassment and shame as parents. I understand how that happens—it’s natural to react that way. We often think that being a good parent means having well–We feel uneasy when we see our kids struggle or be upset or uncomfortable, which compounds the situation. As a result, we try to manage the anxiety that this provokes in us. When we yell or give in, we relieve our distress rather than helping our children develop self-control.

Imagine others are judging us by that standard. But as Total Transformation creator James Lehman says, “You are not a mind reader. If you try to imagine what others think, 95 percent of the time, you will read something negative there. That’s because we interpret other people’s perceptions of us as negative whenever we’re negative.”

Look at it this way: the tantrum isn’t about us. It’s about our child. While it’s easy to personalize your child’s tantrum and feel like it’s about you when it’s happening, trust me, it’s really about your child. Try asking yourself at those times, “What is most important, what others think of me, or what I think an effective parent would do right now?”

If you’re in public or with others, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Do whatever you need to do quickly and matter–of–factly. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

What to Do Before the Next Tantrum

Hold on to your principles: In a relaxed moment, sit down and think about how you want to behave under the worst stress. This is key because if you’re going to go by your “emotion of the moment,” you’ll often end up losing your cool. Consider how you want to react and hold that picture in your mind. The next time your child acts out, do your best to remain true to that image of yourself. It may take some practice, but eventually, you’ll be able to do it.

Know what you can handle: Be realistic with your expectations. Know what you—and your kids—can handle. If you try to go on 15 errands instead of one, many young kids will be unable to handle it. If your child is a little older, tell him what you expect; prepare him for what’s coming. You can say, “If you fall apart or start yelling for something, this is what will happen.” Tell him what his consequence will be—and stick to it. If you are going to a store and your child wants everything in sight, provide him with a way to cope with his frustrations. For elementary school kids, I think it’s helpful to have them bring a pad of paper and a pen and make a list of things they want. They can put things they see on their Christmas or birthday lists. Smaller kids might draw pictures of what they’d like. I think it’s helpful to have a little toolbox, so to speak, of things for your kids to do so that they can help themselves stay calm.

Try to avoid your child’s “triggers” if you can: Try to avoid triggers you know will set your child off. If your children are older, you can teach them to observe themselves. Do this by pointing out what you see happening. You can say, “I know when you come home from school and you’ve had a bad day, you tend to take it out on your little brother. What can you do instead of yelling at him and picking a fight?” Your child might say, “Well, I can spend some time in my room listening to music instead.” Your goal with your child here is to try new things to avoid his triggers and teach him how to see what sets him off in the process. Physical triggers are also very common. For younger children especially, ensure they’re getting proper rest and food and are not overextended.

Plan and give yourself a pep talk: If you know certain things trigger your child’s tantrums, plan. Say to yourself, “We’re going to the grocery store, and I know what typically can happen there. So, I will warn my child and talk about my expectations ahead of time. If he has a tantrum, I will stick to my guns.” Help coach him on handling those triggers and tell him what you’ll do if he cannot manage his frustration. With younger kids, from toddlers to six, you may have to physically pick them up and move them out of the store. Prepare yourself for that eventuality.

Be a good role model: Be a good role model regarding your behavior. How do you feel when you’re frustrated about something? What you do with those feelings is something your child will learn. Decide how you will behave, no matter how your child behaves. Step away from your emotions to respond thoughtfully to these difficult situations. Ask yourself this question: “How can I calm down when my child loses it?” instead of “How can I get my child to calm down?” No one can control how another person feels, period. And the more you try to manage your child’s reactions, the more he’ll probably act out.

What to Do When Your Child Goes into Tantrum Mode

I've found some rules of thumb effective when you’re in the eye of the storm, and your child has gone into tantrum mode.

Get yourself to zero: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Walk around the house, count to 100, and take your timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can to control yourself, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that’s the best way to quiet any upset or tantrum.

Remember that you’re not responsible for getting your child under control: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids’ angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering, or giving in—all typical things we do as parents.

Try not to lose it and have your own tantrum: This will only escalate your child’s anger and frustration and make him feel more defensive. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give in to your child’s request: If you give in to your child’s requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell, and be out of control.

Isolate your child: I don’t mean to put your child into an isolation booth, but rather, put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum.

Fake it if you must: There’s an old saying: “Fake it till you make it.” While you ultimately want to get calm, I think it’s okay to fake it until you get there. Of course, you feel terrible inside: you’re embarrassed, upset, and frustrated, but try telling yourself, “I’m not going to react to these feelings because this will not solve my problem.” So, you don’t have to be truly calm at first. You will have uncomfortable feelings, but what you do with those feelings matters. (Ultimately, that’s the same thing we’re trying to teach our kids.)

Remember that it’s your job to teach your child: Remember that you are the teacher. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet; our job is to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this test. On the surface, your child wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong, reliable, and mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored so they won’t drown.

What to Say During the Tantrum

Be clear and calm: Be clear and firm with your child. They want to see that you and somebody are in control. That will come through your voice, expression, and body language. You want to communicate that you are not losing it in any way. Keep your center and be very firm. You can say, “We are not staying here. We can come back when you can pull yourself together. We are leaving now.”

Use empathy: When your child is in a tantrum, I think it’s important to be empathetic but not give in or lose it. If appropriate, you can say, “I know it’s very frustrating. I understand you wanted to get this video game today.” Empathy opens people up to being able to hear us; if we don’t start with that, it shuts things down. I don’t mean that you should spend lots of time delving into your child’s feelings, but a tone, a look, or a word of empathy can go a long way when your child is frustrated.

You should ask yourself, “What do I want to do in this situation?” Rather than “What do I want my child to do.” Just that little switch in thinking often makes a big difference. Because again, if I’m going to be working hard to get my kids under control, it will be a very different outcome than if I’m working hard to get myself under control.

When Kids Don’t Learn How to Manage Their Emotions

If you give in to your child when he has tantrums—or throw one yourself in reaction to his outbursts—as he ages and reaches adolescence, this will often become a chronic power struggle. Sadly, I’ve seen it many times in my parenting classes. And temper tantrums in older children are no laughing matter. Your teenage son will become relentless; he won’t take no for an answer. Your tween daughter will wear you down and become an expert at manipulating you. Or your child might become aggressive and fight with you all the time. These kids learn that they can get things by intimidating other people. They will not have learned to regulate themselves, so their behaviors will be very reactive and extreme. And believe me, these power struggles do become battles.

Just look at a two–year–old throwing a tantrum and imagine what a 20–year–old will look like. You might see him punching the walls, yelling, calling you names, intimidating you, and storming out of the house. And if you react in turn, on and on, it goes. But here’s a secret: it just takes one person to stop this pattern, and then the whole thing settles down. So, decide not to hit the ball back next time. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you when your child acts out. That will ultimately help your child to manage his strong emotions and frustrations.
​
So, think about building relationships for the long term rather than changing annoying behaviors in the shorter term. We often want our kids to stop the tantrums or acting out behavior. We think, “I can’t stand this anymore!” or “They’re always fighting. It’s driving me crazy!” If we want to get somebody to stop doing something, we can probably get them to do it, but we may hurt our relationship with them in the long term.

On the other hand, if we want to work on a relationship that will have longevity ten or twenty years from now, we must think of it in terms of building on it every time we respond to our kids. We need to respond to them thoughtfully to keep the relationship intact. And the way we can do that is by trying to influence them rather than control them. Influence comes through respecting our kids and their choices and not getting mad at them or taking it personally when they have tantrums. This is the best road to building a strong relationship with our children.

Happy New Year
 
Resolution number replace over parenting with living a life you love to live.

1. By bringing out the best in yourself you will bring out best in others. Love is an inside job. Take responsibility for putting self care at the top of your list.

• Me
  
• Relationship
• Children
• Work
• What order is your life in now? Most parents share something like this.
• Kids
• Work
• Relationship
• Me
  

This is the recipe for disaster, divorce, ungrateful kids and a life of struggle. If you believe that taking care of yourself first is selfish, think again. Taking care of yourself is being 100% responsible for creating a life you love. When we live at the bottom it’s easy to blame others, feel resentful, over react and we often we end up hurting the ones we love.
Instead make a "happy" list and do four things each week that makes you feel loved, valued, powerful and connected. When you feel better you do better.
 
2. Be the change you want to see in others. Teach powerful listening skills.

How many of you want kids who listen better? Commit to one "check and connect" moment per day/per child and listen without judging, fixing or controlling. Be present, make eye contact, sit down and unhook from phones and computers.

Conversation starter. Play the "High Low" game by sharing the high of the day and the low point.  This is a game you can add to your bedtime routine. It’s a time to connect. Nothing to do or fix. If everyone in the family is responsible for taking care of themselves, first have a weekly family meeting and share what four things you will do and watch what happens when you focus on the positive. Where focus goes it grows.

<>······
Nationally recognized parenting expert Sue Dockerill is the Founder of Life Works Parenting Tools and the author A Child’s Life Depends of Peaceful Resolutions. Looking for a better way” and a Certified Redirecting Children’s Behavior Instructor, Sue is a leader in positive parenting techniques for healthy, happy families. Sue is inspiring others to think outside the box. In her most important role, she is the wife, and co-creator of an amazing blended family with their stepson and two children.

Michael Mastracci is an attorney on a mission  -- one he shares with the entire child-centered divorce community. He talks about - and is soon to be the author of a new book about - "Divorce Without Dishonor", a difficult and acrimonious divorce and child custody battle led to my interest in collaborative family law, notes Mastracci. His soon to be released book focuses on child custody issues and divorce using collaborative law.

Mike is quite personable and a good listener. Along with those traits he has a sincere interest in helping parents to resolve their divorce and child custody issues "in a fair and even-handed manner that will cause the least amount of damage" to their children. "I have personally seen the strife that divorce causes in families," says Mike, "and want to express my concern and compassion for your personal situation."
"Collaborative law does not mean giving away rights or just rolling over to a stronger willed soon-to-be ex-spouse," he adds. "It means working through the issues as adults with one focus -- helping the kids get through the mess caused by divorce."

Fortunately, there are collaborative divorce attorneys like Mike located all over the United States and in many other countries around the world. Seek them out. Read their websites and blogs. (Mike's is www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) Get to know their philosophy about supporting families and putting children's needs first when making custody and other related divorce decisions. Your children will thank you years from now when they have the awareness to understand how you bent over backwards to diffuse negative energy and create collaborative harmony in your post-divorce family relationships.

One of the most rewarding experiences in my life came when my son, as a young adult in his late teens or early twenties, mentioned the separation that took place when he was eleven (followed later by divorce). He said although he was very upset at the time, looking back he can now see that Dad and I were not very compatible and didn't really belong together. He mentioned that he was happy that both of us have since remarried much more happily. And he thanked me for working hard to maintain a positive relationship with his father over the years so that we were both there for special celebrations, important events and other significant times in his life.

In fact, he wrote the Introduction to my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! The book is based on my own personal experience more than a decade ago when I came up with the concept of creating a personal family storybook, in advance of the dreaded divorce talk. Through this approach the children have something to read over again and again reminding them of the crucial messages they need to repeatedly hear and accept. 
​
I am so grateful that divorce attorneys like Mike Mastracci are available to share their legal expertise, along with their compassion, about child-centered issues to assist parents facing divorce or separation in creating the most positive outcome for everyone in the family.

1. Write a list of all the things that you know your partner loves about you and
wants from you. Write everything down that pops into your mind.

2. Go over each item on your list and ask yourself, “ Do I do that for my partner?”
Why or why not?

3. Interview your partner and ask them to be straight with you about what would
make you the best partner ever. Make a list without judging, correcting, defending,
or taking it personal. Interview them as if you were a reporter writing an article on
the ideal partner. Get every detail continue to say what else and be curious, "Tell me
more about that, what else do you need, desire, and crave?." Just keep writing don’t repeat
anything just get it all down on paper. Pretend they are someone you don’t know so
you don’t react. You want to create a safe place.

4. Next to each item be truthful whether you provide this for your partner or not.
Then next to your answer write down in a few words why you either do or do not.

5. Now make a list of everything you adore about your partner. Their smile, if they
like nature, animals, humor. One way to add intimacy to your relationship is to be
really interested in what your partner is interested in. Shift from loving your partner
the way you think they should be loved to how they desire love. This is key to being
the best partner ever!

6. Notice if there is any difference in what you thought your partners wanted to
what your partner needed. In order to feel loved, valued powerful and connected.

7. Make a lifetime commitment to making your partner extraordinary no matter
what! Be the gift of being the best partner EVER!! Love is a verb.

​  By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

​Bad things can happen to good people. Divorce is a prime example.  Good people get divorced. Responsible people who are loving parents get caught in the decision to end a loveless marriage.

The consequences of that decision can either be life affirming or destroying, depending upon how each parent approaches this transition. Parents who are blinded by blame and anger are not likely to learn much through the experience. They see their former spouse as the total problem in their life and are convinced that getting rid of that problem through divorce will bring ultimate resolution. These parents are often self-righteous about the subject and give little thought to what part they may have played in the dissolution of the marriage.

Parents at this level of awareness are not looking to grow through the divorce process. They are more likely to ultimately find another partner with whom they have similar challenges or battles and once again find themselves caught in the pain of an unhappy relationship.

There are others, however, for whom divorce can be a threshold into greater self-understanding and reflection. These parents don't want to repeat the same mistake and want to be fully aware of any part they played in the failure of the marriage. Self-reflective people ask themselves questions and search within - often with the assistance of a professional counselor or therapist - to understand what they did or did not do and how it affected the connection with their spouse.

These introspective parents consider how they might have behaved differently in certain circumstances. They question their motives and actions to make sure they came from a place of clarity and good intentions. They replay difficult periods within the marriage to see what they can learn, improve, let go of or accept. They take responsibility for their behaviors and apologize for those that were counter-productive. They also forgive themselves for errors made in the past - and look toward being able to forgive their spouse in the same light.

These parents are honest with their children when discussing the divorce - to the age-appropriate degree that their children can understand. They remind their children that both Mom and Dad still, and always will, love them. And they remember their former spouse will always be a parent to their children and therefore speak about them with respect around the kids. 
​
By applying what they learned from the dissolved marriage to their future relationships, these mature adults start the momentum to recreate new lives in a better, more fulfilling way. From this perspective, they see their former marriage as not a mistake, but rather a stepping-stone to a brighter future - both for themselves and for their children.  When you choose to learn from your life lessons, they were never experienced in vain. Isn't this a lesson you want to teach your children?
 
*   *   *   * 
 
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! 

One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame. My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He certainly did not deserve this. I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY? How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted - changed - forever?
How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault? How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you're not sure yourself how it will all turn out? I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.

Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce. In my upcoming book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. By sharing and repeating these five points to your children in the weeks and months following the initial conversation, you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing. Here are the five must-tell messages for your children:

1) This is not your fault. Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don't agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and Dad disagree about your bedtime, where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework or whether you should play soccer. We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.

2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents. No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain. Mon and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one else will ever be your real Dad. We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.

3) This is about change, not about blame. Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn't mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

The change in our family is not about who's right or wrong or who's good or bad. Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn't work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there's more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Instead of worrying about who's to blame, let's think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure -- a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?
​
4) Things will work out okay. We're often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things always have a way of working out, even when we're scared that they won't. Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for a while. We'll have new ways of doing some things ... some new responsibilities ... some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we'll look back and say, life is different than it used to be, but it's all okay. I'm okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other. That is a lot better than okay. It's great!

5) Mom and Dad will always love you. No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don't ever forget it. These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You'll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

Rosalind Sedacca, a Divorce & Parenting Coach, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids. About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to preparing your children -- with love! The book provides expert advice which helps you to create a unique personal family storybook that guides you through this difficult transition with optimum results. 

When your child does something hurtful, use Self-Quieting and ACT. 

For example, say your children are crying and you aren’t sure what happened, or maybe you do. First, don’t assume one child is to blame. 

Instead, you might say: “It looks like something happened here. Your sister is crying and you look really angry.  Go in your rooms, calm down, and when you are calm, I will come in and find out what happened.”
​

​A - Acknowledge Feelings
 
“I hate my sister!”

“You are really angry with your sister.” (Respond to feelings not words.)
 
“Yes, she’s always messing with me! “
 
“She can really make you mad, huh? I can see how you might feel that way. What else are you feeling?”
 
“I just wish she wasn’t so mean. She is always trying to get me mad so I hit her then she fake cries and goes and tells on me. Then I get in trouble. “
 
“I can see why you are so upset and the hitting thing really isn’t working. Is it?
 
C - Communicate limit
 
Communicate limitations of their behavior.
 
“Hitting is not safe.  What else can you do?”
 
T- Target
 
Target what they can do with anger instead of the limitation.
 
“You can use your words. You can say, I am angry! Get out of my room. But you cannot hit. Hitting is ABUSE and it is not safe. Would it be ok if I hit you when I get upset? No, that would be child abuse and scary. It is not ok to hit your sister. Hitting doesn’t solve problems. It sounds like it makes more problems if you keep getting into trouble. Relax for a while and I will talk with your sister.”
 
Go to the other child and repeat.

After speaking with each child and when they come out of their self-quieting area, post these three questions in your house so they know how to solve problems on their own next time. One at a time, teach the sender to answer the question and the receiver repeats what they heard and checks to make sure the understand the sender. 
​

​1.HOW DO YOU FEEL?
 
RECEIVER -“How do you feel Casey?”
 
SENDER - Casey responds, “I don’t like it when you come into my room and mess with my stuff. You annoy me and make me angry.
 
RECEIVER: Kelly (listens and repeats what she heard without adding anything else to it or leaving anything out)

1. She repeats back. You don’t like it when I come into your room and mess with your stuff and I annoy you.
2. Checks for Understanding, “Do I understand you?

 
SENDER - Casey replies yes.
 
SWITCH
 
RECIEVER - Casey asks Kelly, “How do you feel?”
 
SENDER - Kelly responds, “I don’t like it when you hit me. Hitting Hurts.”
 
RECEIVER - Casey responds, “You don’t like it when I hit you, because it hurts.”   Is that it?
 
SENDER: Kelly responds, “Yes
 
 
2.WHAT DO YOU WANT?
 
RECEIVER: Casey asks, “What do you want Kelly?’
 
SENDER:- Kelly says, I want you to use your words and stop hitting me
RECEIVER: You want me to use my words and stop hitting you.
 
SENDER: Kelly responds, yes.
 
 
3.WHAT WILL YOU DO?
 
RECEIVER: Casey what will you do?
 
SENDER: - Casey responds, I will tell you to get out of my room. If you don’t I will get mom instead of hitting. (Parent steps in with a consequence if Casey hits)
 
RECEIVER: - You will tell me to get out of your room and if I don’t you will get mom and she will have us hang out in our rooms for awhile. Do I understand you?
 
SENDER: -YES
 
SWITCH
 
RECEIVER Casey asks Kelly, What will you do?
 
SENDER: -Kelly responds, I will stop messing with your stuff and leave your room.
 
RECEIVER: - Casey repeats, “You will stop messing with my stuff and leave my room.  Do I understand you?
 
SENDER: Yes, Let’s go play.

​THE KEY IS TO PUT THE CHILDREN IN THE SAME BOAT
Do this once or twice, and the next time it gets out of control, stop the fighting and say do you want to go to your rooms and chill out or can the two of you work this out? Watch how fast they work it out to avoid the three questions! Encourage them for working it out and fire yourself from being the judge the juror or the referee.
 
These tools will help them to build healthy relationships throughout their whole life.

Have you ever come to a place where there is nowhere else to go but up, down, or sideways?  You know that place, I’m sure we’ve all been there, right?  You just get to this point where the choices aren’t easy and you know, you just know, that you can’t go back… back is not an option.

Seven years ago I was at that point.  I had a great job that I loved, two beautiful children, but my home and my marriage was falling apart, like ground crumbling in one of those action adventure movies where the earth is caving in behind the characters’ feet and they have no choice but to jump or climb or die.  Actually, my marriage was crumbling before it started.  We had built a relationship on a poor foundation to begin with.  Everything that was contributing to the inevitable collapse of my family as I knew it were the very things that I saw as “red flags” when I met my husband.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my ex-husband is an amazing person.  He is a remarkable human being.  He is a good father and a kind person.  And those were the reasons I stayed and created a relationship with him.  You know, no one teaches us how to have relationships.  There are no classes when we are growing up in school about how to have relationships, so we learn by default.  And our default can be good, our default can be disastrous – or somewhere in between.  The fact of the matter is that we learn by our role models and by our societal norms.  Very rarely do we “learn” how to have healthy relationships.  Many times we don’t even know what a “healthy relationship” looks like. 
 
So here I was, sitting at the edge of the cliff… scared to death to take that jump, that leap of faith, but I had no other option… the ground behind me was crumbling and crumbling fast.  If you have been through a divorce, then you probably have a pretty good idea of that place I’m talking about.   You know people don’t just wake up one day an say “oh, honey, gee, this isn’t really working out, let’s get a divorce” – statistics show that one of you figure it out first… and the other one, even if all the signs are present that your marriage is falling apart, don’t even see it coming.  So regardless of which side you were on (or are on) with your divorce, don’t feel bad.  There’s a lot of guilt and frustration on both sides of that coin.  So there I was… ready to jump knowing that there was no other option… but it isn’t just me, you see, I have these two precious children to think about… ages 6 and 3… pretty critical ages for making a drastic life change, but again, there was no other option.  The marriage was so bad that staying I could see was more detrimental than leaving.  So, carefully planned out, I did it.  And let me tell you… it was NOT pretty!  There was fighting and a lot hurt feelings, but after about 2 months things had finally settled down and we were, well… not amicable, but we could at least talk without trying to verbally assault each other!  Fast forward one year and the fire was at least settled down to coals.  We had been living separately and the children were on a good schedule.  I had somehow done it.  Somehow my husband had done it.  We had managed to separate our family and peace, to some degree, was the result.  After a year I had decided to file for divorce and that’s when we found out about the Parenting Class that was required before our divorce could be finalized.  At that point we didn’t have to take the class until right before the divorce proceedings.  A few weeks before our court date I took Sue Dockerill’s parenting class and it completely changed my life and the way I parent my children and co-parent with their dad.  Shortly after I took the class, my soon to be ex-husband took the same class and it revolutionized our relationship as newly divorcing parents.
 
You know, I see so many couples who have divorced or are divorcing with children, and instead of it being a solution to the problems they were having, it becomes an extension of the problems.  It’s just a continuance of the fighting, bickering, blaming, guilting, and shaming…. And the worst thing about this is that there are children involved… no children - fight, bicker, shame, blame all you want.  It’s like driving a car without wearing your seat belt… only you will suffer the consequences of your actions… but put a child in the car without a car seat or seat belt and you can have a disastrous effect on that child and his or her life forever.  And this is exactly what happens when you continue to fight and blame and shame as co-parents. Ultimately, you are teaching your child how to relate to another human being, and more importantly you are teaching the child how to have unhealthy relationships.
 
Did you know that a child’s brain is 90% developed by the age of 5?  Critical life skills are being imprinted early on like communicating needs, showing affection and love, how to handle stress, and how to self calm.  When our children are born they don’t come with an owner’s manual.  When did you take a class that taught you the most effective ways to parent?  When did you take a class on how to rewire yourself so that you are modeling the most effective methods for relating to yourself and others?  Anybody?  Ever?  You upgrade your computer, you learn the most effective methods for managing your company, your employees, you keep up to date with the newest techniques in your professional field, you take continuing education credits… but when do you update, upgrade, and, when necessary, rework your method of parenting?
 
If I give you a block of wood and a screw and ask you to put the screw in the block of wood, there’s no doubt in my mind that any of you could do this task with ease, correct?  So here’s your screw and wood – an easy task…. But here’s your choice of tools - a wrench, a hammer, needle nose pliers, a mallet and a ratchet – now how successful are you going to be with this “easy” task?  What’s this screw going to look like after your attempt to put it in with these tools?  Probably not very good, huh?
Our tools are handed down from generation to generation within a model given to us by our society, our culture and our religions.  We can’t help that we only have a wrench, let’s say in our toolbox. 

Let’s take spanking as a perfect example – “spare the rod, spoil the child” – we love using that as our justification for spanking our children, especially if we were raised in the religious tradition that gave it to us, but let me explain – does anyone truly understand the context from which that proverb was given?

Proverbs 13:24 actually says “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”  This is the new International Version and regardless of whether you are a “religious person” or a Christian, wouldn’t you say that this saying is deeply embedded in our culture?

The thing that most of us don’t realize, however, is the context which the proverb was given.  The rod was used by sheep herders to direct their flock and keep them safe, however, a rod would never have been used to strike or hit a sheep because it would bruise the meat.

So how, when and where did the translation and use of this saying come to condone and even encourage spanking, whipping or hitting our children?  Not only is it encouraged in some groups, but we, culturally, have strong disdain for those who do not spank their children. 

We continue to shame those who do not “discipline” (i.e. spank) their children and encourage each other that it is the right and only way to raise up strong, healthy, happy kids and furthermore, that if you withhold this type of discipline that you don’t love your children and that they will be doomed to fail in life.  That’s like me telling you that the only and right way to put this screw in the wood is to use this wrench. 
So we have pressures, parental peer pressures, if you will, for how to raise our kids, we have our families telling us what to do, we have our experience (good, bad or indifferent) from how we were raised…  all of these are our tools, sitting in our toolbox waiting to be used. 

Some of these tools might be very effective and some of them can be disastrous, but we continue using them many times and even if they aren’t working and we can see they aren’t working, we are at a loss as to a better way.  Even when presented with a better way to parent our children, the concepts might be so foreign to us and so counter-intuitive based on our past and our culture that we have a hard time adopting them. 

Tell a spanking parent to stop spanking and they will give you a very unusual look – I was one of those parents, trust me I know firsthand how hard it was to embrace the “non-spanking” philosophy – but I’m a highly logical person… I kept looking at this situation after Sue’s class and asking myself “why do I continue to do something that does not work?”

“Why do I spank my child for hitting?”  When I really deconstructed it I realized how absurd it was.  But I also had to have another tool in hand… I needed something that worked!  Without the replacement of one tool for another and the reality of having to “get the job done” we have to empower our parents with tools that work!
Unfortunately, most of the time we don’t raise our children based on the latest and greatest research or knowledge – if we ran our businesses the way we raise our children, we would likely go out of business… we have to modify, learn, research and try out new methods when the old methods aren’t working.

Add divorce to the scene of raising children and you have the potential for disaster –
Stress,
   less money,
      major life transition, etc.

These are major changes that are coming out of an already unstable situation and even as adults we have a lot of trouble navigating our way through “troubled waters” – so, imagine how difficult it is for our children.  If you’ve already been through something like this then you already know what I’m talking about and how hard it can be.  It would behoove all of us to have parenting and relationship classes and instruction way before now – we should be teaching life skills like this with really sound curriculum in our schools beginning in pre-k!  We usually introduce “Life Skills” to middle schoolers, but the fact of the matter is that this is too late. 

Children’s brains reach 82% of their adult size by age 3 and 90% by age 5 – they are learning critical life skills early on even if we don’t recognize it – they are like sponges.  They are

• Developing close bonds with their caregivers
• Keenly observing emotional reactions
• Expressing a wide range of emotions
• Looking for us to teach them how to self sooth, express anger, frustration and when and how their needs aren’t being met.

So, it’s really important that we understand this especially for children going through divorce.  Children are highly resilient… it’s not to say that changes shouldn’t be made now for our young children, and it isn’t to say that we should just throw in the towel for our older children either.
 
Life Works Parenting Tools is dedicated to giving parents, teachers and even corporate America new tools for dealing with children and behaviors that we want to change.  You can take any of the tools that we teach in either the divorce class or Redirecting Children’s Behavior class and apply them to anyone, anywhere at any time…. 

Through parent education, we are able to give parents new tools.  And fortunately enough the courts require parents who are divorcing or even non-married parents to attend the 4 hour parenting class during divorce.  I’m not saying this is enough by any stretch of the means, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Sue’s class changed the relationship I had with my children’s dad.  We had real tools that worked for communicating with each other and with our children.  The information she presented and her “real talk” touched, moved and inspired me so much that I knew one day I would want to share what I had learned with other parents.  Routinely, I have other parents completely amazed at how my ex-husband and I co-parent our children.  People often say “you guys are an exception to the rule.”  But my answer is that with all the right tools, everyone can be successful co-parents!  We can change our co-parenting relationships with the right tools to be the norm, not the exception!  We can successfully put that screw in the block of wood with ease and have it hold strong!  Today, six years after taking Sue’s class, I’m not only bringing the coursework to parents who attend my class, I’m bringing 6 years of experience, time tested results to demonstrate the effectiveness and success of Sue’s class.  I understand intimately the ups and downs, the struggles and the successes of co-parenting and more importantly I know that it IS possible to co-parent with success!

What do you do when someone you love hurts you? (Now I am not talking about abuse... if you feel unsafe call 911 and seek help.)

I'm talking about the child who makes you feel like you are the worse parent on the earth... or maybe a lover who hasn't been too nice lately, or a friend who doesn't return your call because they are too busy, or a teenager experiencing unruly hormone changes (you know what I'm talking about!).

When someone damages you emotionally, you have an opportunity to be powerful. Do the unexpected. Be an observer. It’s like an out of body experience. Suddenly you have a shield that everything bounces off.  Nothing sticks because you are not taking anything personally. Remember, feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are just feelings.

Here are 3 rules when someone you love hurts you:

Rule 1. Don’t hurt them back...
Instead recognize that they are upset and calling out for love. A way to do this is to change your thinking... Let go of "good" and "bad" and see all behavior as a person is either "thriving" or "struggling". What do I mean? Instead of saying "you're a good kid" or "you're a bad kid", acknowledge that children (and adults) are either struggling or thriving. If someone is hurting you, they are most likely struggling, so don’t take it personally. When you know someone is struggling, it's easier to come from a place of empathy and help that person.

When we let other people’s hurtful words stick to us, we become the victim. What if I told you that the hurtful words are not really about you? Which leads me to the second rule...

Rule 2. Don’t make assumptions...
Instead be curious. Say to them,
"Tell me some more about how you are feeling. I can see how upset you are, and I feel terrible.”

Our gut is to get defensive and hurt back. If you don’t want this to be a reoccurring argument, complete it by making the person feel understood. Once you make someone feel understood the problem can be resolved.

Imagine the person saying, “It would mean a lot to me if you could just repeat back to me what I am trying to get across."

Then tell them what you are hearing to confirm it is correct and help them feel understood.

Rule 3. Remember the kids are watching you.
This is the most important rule. If we want your children to grow up feeling loved and powerful, we have to model it.


Try these rules out in your life and tell me in the comments below what you experienced. Did it help you resolve an issue?