Why are temper tantrums so difficult for parents to handle? Besides the fact that they’re loud, annoying, and embarrassing, we often feel it’s our job requirement to make our kids act the way we feel they should behave. If we can’t do that, we feel ineffective. We also don’t like the judgments we imagine others making of us when our kids are out of control. We don’t know what to do but feel we must do something—after all, we are the parents.

And, of course, on a deep level, we want our kids to learn how to calm down and act “normally.” When they’re not able to do that because they haven’t yet figured out how to manage their frustrations, it can sometimes cause us to have tantrums, which only adds more fuel to the fire. And when we feel a sense of helplessness, we often react by getting angry or giving in—and then we feel controlled by our kids’ behavior. However, attempting to manage our anxiety by trying to control their responses never works. I think it’s better to focus on dealing with our feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, and frustration when our kids are having a meltdown.

Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that is the best way you can quiet any upset or tantrum.

Sometimes, parents ask me if there are ways to stop a child’s temper tantrums from happening. I don’t think there are—I think having tantrums is natural. We adults have them all the time. We can lose our temper when someone cuts us off in traffic, or our kids don’t listen. Maturing is all about managing our emotions more effectively, and it’s a lifetime project. We can’t prevent tantrums, but we can impact how often and how long they go on by how we respond to our children’s outbursts.

I think when our children feel that we need them to behave “our way” for us to feel calm, it’s a natural reaction for them to become defensive. You’ll see an attitude of, “Oh yeah? Nobody can tell me what to do.” Ultimately, they will shout louder and create more of a scene.

We feel uneasy when we see our kids struggle or be upset or uncomfortable, which compounds the situation. As a result, we try to manage the anxiety that this provokes in us. When we yell or give in, we relieve our distress rather than helping our children develop self-control.

When Your Child Has a Tantrum in Public

When your child has a temper tantrum in front of others, we feel an extra element of embarrassment and shame as parents. I understand how that happens—it’s natural to react that way. We often think that being a good parent means having well–We feel uneasy when we see our kids struggle or be upset or uncomfortable, which compounds the situation. As a result, we try to manage the anxiety that this provokes in us. When we yell or give in, we relieve our distress rather than helping our children develop self-control.

Imagine others are judging us by that standard. But as Total Transformation creator James Lehman says, “You are not a mind reader. If you try to imagine what others think, 95 percent of the time, you will read something negative there. That’s because we interpret other people’s perceptions of us as negative whenever we’re negative.”

Look at it this way: the tantrum isn’t about us. It’s about our child. While it’s easy to personalize your child’s tantrum and feel like it’s about you when it’s happening, trust me, it’s really about your child. Try asking yourself at those times, “What is most important, what others think of me, or what I think an effective parent would do right now?”

If you’re in public or with others, you can simply explain that your child is having a hard time, excuse yourself and move out of the situation. Leave the room, go to the car, or go home. Do whatever you need to do quickly and matter–of–factly. Remember, you don’t want to give the tantrum attention, either positively or negatively.

What to Do Before the Next Tantrum

Hold on to your principles: In a relaxed moment, sit down and think about how you want to behave under the worst stress. This is key because if you’re going to go by your “emotion of the moment,” you’ll often end up losing your cool. Consider how you want to react and hold that picture in your mind. The next time your child acts out, do your best to remain true to that image of yourself. It may take some practice, but eventually, you’ll be able to do it.

Know what you can handle: Be realistic with your expectations. Know what you—and your kids—can handle. If you try to go on 15 errands instead of one, many young kids will be unable to handle it. If your child is a little older, tell him what you expect; prepare him for what’s coming. You can say, “If you fall apart or start yelling for something, this is what will happen.” Tell him what his consequence will be—and stick to it. If you are going to a store and your child wants everything in sight, provide him with a way to cope with his frustrations. For elementary school kids, I think it’s helpful to have them bring a pad of paper and a pen and make a list of things they want. They can put things they see on their Christmas or birthday lists. Smaller kids might draw pictures of what they’d like. I think it’s helpful to have a little toolbox, so to speak, of things for your kids to do so that they can help themselves stay calm.

Try to avoid your child’s “triggers” if you can: Try to avoid triggers you know will set your child off. If your children are older, you can teach them to observe themselves. Do this by pointing out what you see happening. You can say, “I know when you come home from school and you’ve had a bad day, you tend to take it out on your little brother. What can you do instead of yelling at him and picking a fight?” Your child might say, “Well, I can spend some time in my room listening to music instead.” Your goal with your child here is to try new things to avoid his triggers and teach him how to see what sets him off in the process. Physical triggers are also very common. For younger children especially, ensure they’re getting proper rest and food and are not overextended.

Plan and give yourself a pep talk: If you know certain things trigger your child’s tantrums, plan. Say to yourself, “We’re going to the grocery store, and I know what typically can happen there. So, I will warn my child and talk about my expectations ahead of time. If he has a tantrum, I will stick to my guns.” Help coach him on handling those triggers and tell him what you’ll do if he cannot manage his frustration. With younger kids, from toddlers to six, you may have to physically pick them up and move them out of the store. Prepare yourself for that eventuality.

Be a good role model: Be a good role model regarding your behavior. How do you feel when you’re frustrated about something? What you do with those feelings is something your child will learn. Decide how you will behave, no matter how your child behaves. Step away from your emotions to respond thoughtfully to these difficult situations. Ask yourself this question: “How can I calm down when my child loses it?” instead of “How can I get my child to calm down?” No one can control how another person feels, period. And the more you try to manage your child’s reactions, the more he’ll probably act out.

What to Do When Your Child Goes into Tantrum Mode

I've found some rules of thumb effective when you’re in the eye of the storm, and your child has gone into tantrum mode.

Get yourself to zero: The first order of business is to get yourself under control; get calm rather than trying to get your child under control. Put the effort there. Walk around the house, count to 100, and take your timeout. Call a friend. Do whatever you can to control yourself, but again, try not to lose your temper. Remember, you’re just trying to be the anchor in the storm that’s calming the system down. If one person in a system can stay relatively calm, that’s the best way to quiet any upset or tantrum.

Remember that you’re not responsible for getting your child under control: Remember, you are not responsible for the choices your child makes. Rather, you are responsible for how you choose to handle those choices. Try not to get engaged by your kids’ angry outbursts. If it doesn’t capture you, it won’t capture them. Stay focused on staying calm. Do not react by yelling, worrying, hovering, or giving in—all typical things we do as parents.

Try not to lose it and have your own tantrum: This will only escalate your child’s anger and frustration and make him feel more defensive. Remember, anxiety is contagious, and so is calm.

Do not give in to your child’s request: If you give in to your child’s requests when he has an outburst, it will set up a pattern where you create more tantrums. In effect, you’ve taught your child that the best way to get what he wants is to scream, yell, and be out of control.

Isolate your child: I don’t mean to put your child into an isolation booth, but rather, put your younger child in his room or in some spot where he can have a timeout or cooling off period and learn how to soothe himself. Make sure you’re not continually engaging him in his tantrum.

Fake it if you must: There’s an old saying: “Fake it till you make it.” While you ultimately want to get calm, I think it’s okay to fake it until you get there. Of course, you feel terrible inside: you’re embarrassed, upset, and frustrated, but try telling yourself, “I’m not going to react to these feelings because this will not solve my problem.” So, you don’t have to be truly calm at first. You will have uncomfortable feelings, but what you do with those feelings matters. (Ultimately, that’s the same thing we’re trying to teach our kids.)

Remember that it’s your job to teach your child: Remember that you are the teacher. Your children can’t handle these strong emotions yet; our job is to help them learn how to do that. Remember, they are testing you—and believe it or not, they truly want you to win this test. On the surface, your child wants you to give in, but on another level, he wants to see strong parents in the room. Kids want to know that their parents are sturdy, strong, reliable, and mean what they say. They don’t want parents who are going to fall apart. They need us to stay anchored so they won’t drown.

What to Say During the Tantrum

Be clear and calm: Be clear and firm with your child. They want to see that you and somebody are in control. That will come through your voice, expression, and body language. You want to communicate that you are not losing it in any way. Keep your center and be very firm. You can say, “We are not staying here. We can come back when you can pull yourself together. We are leaving now.”

Use empathy: When your child is in a tantrum, I think it’s important to be empathetic but not give in or lose it. If appropriate, you can say, “I know it’s very frustrating. I understand you wanted to get this video game today.” Empathy opens people up to being able to hear us; if we don’t start with that, it shuts things down. I don’t mean that you should spend lots of time delving into your child’s feelings, but a tone, a look, or a word of empathy can go a long way when your child is frustrated.

You should ask yourself, “What do I want to do in this situation?” Rather than “What do I want my child to do.” Just that little switch in thinking often makes a big difference. Because again, if I’m going to be working hard to get my kids under control, it will be a very different outcome than if I’m working hard to get myself under control.

When Kids Don’t Learn How to Manage Their Emotions

If you give in to your child when he has tantrums—or throw one yourself in reaction to his outbursts—as he ages and reaches adolescence, this will often become a chronic power struggle. Sadly, I’ve seen it many times in my parenting classes. And temper tantrums in older children are no laughing matter. Your teenage son will become relentless; he won’t take no for an answer. Your tween daughter will wear you down and become an expert at manipulating you. Or your child might become aggressive and fight with you all the time. These kids learn that they can get things by intimidating other people. They will not have learned to regulate themselves, so their behaviors will be very reactive and extreme. And believe me, these power struggles do become battles.

Just look at a two–year–old throwing a tantrum and imagine what a 20–year–old will look like. You might see him punching the walls, yelling, calling you names, intimidating you, and storming out of the house. And if you react in turn, on and on, it goes. But here’s a secret: it just takes one person to stop this pattern, and then the whole thing settles down. So, decide not to hit the ball back next time. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you when your child acts out. That will ultimately help your child to manage his strong emotions and frustrations.
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So, think about building relationships for the long term rather than changing annoying behaviors in the shorter term. We often want our kids to stop the tantrums or acting out behavior. We think, “I can’t stand this anymore!” or “They’re always fighting. It’s driving me crazy!” If we want to get somebody to stop doing something, we can probably get them to do it, but we may hurt our relationship with them in the long term.

On the other hand, if we want to work on a relationship that will have longevity ten or twenty years from now, we must think of it in terms of building on it every time we respond to our kids. We need to respond to them thoughtfully to keep the relationship intact. And the way we can do that is by trying to influence them rather than control them. Influence comes through respecting our kids and their choices and not getting mad at them or taking it personally when they have tantrums. This is the best road to building a strong relationship with our children.

Whether you are recently divorced or have been for some time, don’t be anxious that you have ruined your child’s life. You haven’t. While divorce can be a big part of your child’s life, what will determine his ultimate quality of life is still in the hands of each parent. Can children be affected negatively by their parent’s divorce? Most certainly. But it’s important to understand that children are not necessarily doomed to be negatively impacted.

Let’s take a closer look at a few common situations that arise and how you can best handle them so your child doesn’t get caught in the crossfires.

​Accept the fact that you may fall apart

Understand that it is normal and natural to fall apart right after the divorce. Divorce marks the end of a relationship, and as with any death, there is a grieving process we go through when we call it quits with our spouse—regardless of how amicable the split is. You may feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, and less patient in general. Your child’s behavior will likely be affected as well. She will go through her own grieving process, but added to that are her worries about her parents, how to transition between Mom and Dad’s house, how to deal with the rules at each house, and what the future will hold.

Here’s an important rule: You are the only one in charge when your kids are with you. The key is to make rules and enforce those that support your principles.

But here’s the truth: you are entitled to fall apart. You do not have to hide all your sad and difficult feelings from your child. This is different from over-sharing with your child or telling her too much about your personal life or your relationship with your ex. Doing this is a mistake because it forces your child into an adult position, making her your confidant. It can also create a bias against the other parent. Rather, just let your child know you are having a hard time and that you will get better.

Don’t forego consequences out of guilt

Many, many parents skip giving consequences after a divorce because they feel guilty about what they have done to their child’s life. The danger is that this can become a habit, and your child may then develop some pretty ugly behaviors as a result.

Many kids act out as a reaction to the stress, anxiety and sadness they feel over the split of their parents. But remember, the best thing you can do for your child right now is be consistent. Yes, be empathetic to your kids—they are going through a rough time, too—but hold the line when they cross the line. If your teen keeps breaking curfew, give her the same consequence you would have given before. If your 10-year-old son calls you names and screams in your face, again, follow through with some appropriate discipline. Be sure to talk with your child after everyone has calmed down and find out what’s going on with them. Be open to talk about the divorce and their feelings around it if the subject comes up and try to really listen to what your child has to say.

When your child over-functions

Kids react to divorce in different ways. Your son might attempt to take care of you so as not to make any trouble. He might try to take on the missing parent’s role and act like an adult instead of a child. Your daughter might become an overachiever—or an underachiever. Children often over-function for their parents after a divorce because there’s a vacuum that’s been left. They move right into it because they feel like they have to take up that “missing” role. What will help your child the most is if you can assure him that the best thing he can do right now is just be a kid and live his own life. As a parent, you can remind your kids by your actions and your words that they do not need to take care of you. Although you are going through a rough period, let them know that you are still able to take care of yourself and your family.

When your child acts out

There are a million reasons why kids act out after a divorce. Here are some of the most common:

• The unwanted changes in their life
• They feel out of control
• They’re angry, sad or scared
• They hope the parents will get back together
• They are testing boundaries and trying to push you to be strong.
• They feel like the divorce is their fault

Some kids act out right after a divorce in an attempt to push you to be strong. If your child is acting out, it can be helpful to understand that his behavior might be coming from his anxiety about the divorce. It makes kids nervous when their parents seem to have lost strength. If your kid is pushing you in all different ways, it could be that he’s hoping that he sees a parent that doesn’t break.

If that’s going on in your home, again, you can empathize and understand where these behaviors might be coming from, but you don’t have to put up with it. Let your child know that it will be most helpful that he be more cooperative and not give you a hard time. Then set limits with him, give consequences and follow through.

When you parent differently from your ex

​One of the reasons that you got divorced might have been because you had a hard time agreeing on most things. Being divorced is not going to make that any easier. The good news is that when you are with your kids, your ex cannot tell you what to do. And of course, you can’t tell him or her what to do, either—or how to parent.

[Note: Unless there is a case of proven abuse or neglect, you do not have control over how your ex will parent your child. Courts usually back the rule that what a parent does when she is with her child is her business, no one else’s, other than when true abuse and/or neglect is present.]

Here’s an important rule: You are the only one in charge when your kids are with you. The key is to make rules and enforce those that support your principles. Expect your child to follow your rules in your home and don’t worry about what is going on in the other home.

Of course it is beneficial to work together and to call and collaborate when it comes to parenting your child, if possible. You can suggest things, let your ex know your concerns, stay open and listen to his or her concerns, and then decide for yourself what you will or won’t do. You can try to discuss your parenting ideas, but if your ex is not on board, get out of his or her box and stay focused on your parenting values in your home.

When your ex complains about your parenting style

The answer to your ex if she complains about your parenting is to say, “I’m good with how I’m doing things.” Or “I’m comfortable with how I’m doing things.” If she continues to complain, again repeat, “I am good with how I am doing things.” Do not engage in any more conversations about this topic. Along the same lines, don’t go crazy about how she is parenting. What matters is how you are parenting when your kids are with you. That influence will make a big difference as to how your child does in life.

Don’t put your child in the middle

Children can get caught in the middle when parents put them in the middle. Kids don’t want to take sides—they want to be free of worrying about the other parent when they are with you. Don’t talk to them about your ex in a way that will force them to take sides. Let’s say your son says, “Dad says you don’t help me enough with schoolwork.” As long as you believe you’re doing your best with that, instead of saying “That’s not true!” or unleashing some choice words about your ex-spouse, try to respond non-defensively. You can say, “I think we’re doing a good job together. I’m sorry your father feels that way.” By doing that you have successfully ended the battle and gotten your child out of the middle. It also sends the message to your child that the other parent can do or say whatever he wants, but it doesn’t matter when your child is with you. You are not getting engaged in the battle.

The rule of thumb as a parent is to never say anything to your child negatively about the other parent if at all possible. You may have to bite your tongue, but it is so important that you try to refrain from criticizing your ex. By doing this, you’ll be helping your child have healthy relationships with both parents, and that’s probably what we all want in the long run.

When kids play parents off each other

A by-product of divorce is that sometimes kids will play parents off one another. It’s a source of power for them that, quite frankly, often works. You’ll hear things like, “Mom says I don’t have to go for extra help at school if I don’t want to.” Or “Dad lets me stay up until 10 p.m.” The bottom line is that children will often use that edge to manipulate you to get what they want. When you catch your child doing this, simply pause and say, “When you are in my house, you follow my rules. If you’re in Dad’s house, you follow Dad’s rules. I don’t have jurisdiction over what Dad does, and he doesn’t have jurisdiction over what I do.”

Here’s what you can do to prevent their manipulation from becoming effective: Check with the other parent directly. If the other parent has changed the rule or the plans, you can either agree with this change or disagree and negotiate with each other as adults. Don’t get into the habit of relaying messages through your child. If you have a message or question, call the other parent directly.

If your child lies about what the other parent said and then tries to hide it, confront him with it. You can say, “I talked to your mom and she did not say that. I don’t want you lying to me.” When you do this, you are basically letting your child know that you are dealing directly at all times with your ex, and that he can’t get away with playing you off the other parent.

Transitioning between houses

Many, many kids have difficulty transitioning back and forth between houses each week. On the day they arrive home, they might act out by throwing tantrums, having outbursts or by “acting in” and shutting the door to their room and refusing to speak. Why do they do this? They might be testing you to see if you are strong and steady. They may have kept it together when with the other parent and now are letting loose with you. They may be expressing their anger at the disruption in their lives and their wish for you to be back together as a family. Sometimes kids will be a problem on purpose because they hope their parents will get together around this “difficult child.”

Be empathetic to the feelings that might drive these behaviors. After all, your kids are impacted by something that they did not have any control over, nor did they probably want. Keep in mind, however, that you do not need to put up with the behavior. When you talk with your child about it, you might first reflect her feelings: “You sound angry. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Or “You sound sad. It must be hard to leave Dad’s house and know you won’t see him for a few days.” If your child continues to have tantrums, ignore them the best you can; respond only when your child has calmed herself down. Whenever your child transitions in a positive way, acknowledge the good behavior: “Boy, I noticed this week when you came back home, you were pretty calm and in control. I know that’s difficult for you and I really appreciate you keeping it together.”

You can also set some consequences if and when necessary. To keep your mind at ease and help you stay calm, recognize that how your child will turn out has the most to do with the relationship that she develops and maintains with each parent. Divorce is not the only factor that will impact her life. How maturely you behave with your ex will keep your child out of emotional harm’s way. Having a solid relationship with your child is in your hands.